Got Happiness?

I have a confession, this is hard to admit but I feel that I need to release this. I at times suffer from self-doubt and insecurity. I do my best to hide this, to put on a smile everyday and say inspiring things to those that I care about. I do not like to admit that I have these feelings and do whatever I can to hide them from everyone. There have been times that these thoughts have crept into my head and have caused me to not act, to stick within my comfort zone and to distrust my own capabilities.

Why?

I don’t know, I can’t fully explain it, is it due to situations that happened while growing up, maybe. Is it this insatiable need for perfection, that is a possibility too.

Another issue that rattles through my mind is the consistent pull of obligation, that overwhelming feeling of guilt, so often we are taught to be mindful of others that we lose sight of the fact that we must be mindful of ourselves. It is impossible to make others happy on a deep and emotionally significant level, if we ourselves are not happy within. So why is it that so often we feel that another’s happiness is held to a superior level than our own?

 I have come to realize that so many of us have these thoughts that act as little demons on our shoulders, they creep into our minds at the most inconvenient times and cause us to doubt everything about ourselves, what we are doing, saying and thinking, yet we will never admit that we go through this.

But why hide from these feelings and insecurities , why not share these experiences with others so that we can assist each other in muffling out these demobilizing thoughts and see the great amazing souls that we truly are?

Can we ever genuinely be our own true authentic selves if we do not embrace the battles that we fight within? Coming face to face with those demons and letting them know that they no longer have a home within us and being able to share this journey with others that understand and can relate is such a freeing and euphoric feeling.

So here I am, admitting it, not being embarrassed by it and teaching myself that my wellbeing, needs and emotions are just as important as the next person, even those that I love and cherish. Exposing my vulnerability and allowing others to express themselves and to choose positivity from within is the mission. Got happiness? Yes, I am on my way there and I hope that you are as well.  

YOLO….just kidding!

YOLO….You only live once, this is a quote that we hear constantly now, it’s like the mantra of the millennials, but do we really only have “one life”? This is a topic that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently, I was in a conversation with some friends, both younger than me, and something came up where we brought up what we were doing ten years ago. Ten years ago was when I was going through my separation from my ex husband and I had just begun working part time at the place of my current employment.

I mentioned about where I myself was at that moment in time to them and my friend said, “You’ve already lived two lives”. I just looked at her and I did not say anything, for some reason this comment sat with me for quite a few days. I kept replaying it in my head, I mean have I basically lived two lives? It really made me start to contemplate this ideology. I wasn’t the same person that I was 10 years prior, and my life is completely different now. I have almost all new friends, a different job and live in an entirely new state, but did that mean that I was living an entirely new life? Was I really a completely new person with no glimpse of the old me in there? There are moments that I think about me, 10 years prior, and I’d love to shake her and ask what in the world was she thinking?!?!

At the same time there are moments that I’d love to hug her, hold her and tell her that everything is going to be fine and it will all turn into so much more than what it is now. Had that meek, quiet, trusting young woman not gone through all the trials, tribulations, hurt and rebuilding would I still be the strong, independent, adventurous, quirky woman that I am now?

 Maybe I needed to go through this rebirth of sorts to become the me that I am now, the person that loves to explore the world and is not scared to just put herself out there, and now even more so than ever. This person that I thought of had never even traveled solo at that point, I don’t even think that I can bring myself to having that sort of mentality ever again, but at the same time that young woman was very trusting and had a hard time believing that people could ever hurt her and that trusting person, I still see glimpses of her. I still feel that tinge of believing that you can trust in other people and that vulnerable urge to allow myself to, that part of her I hold on to and hope to never lose.

Have I lived another life, quite possibly, or maybe I have just evolved, grown and pushed myself to create a better version of the me that was always there before? I still have her memories and wants and needs, they are just clearer now, and I am more in tune with making sure that they are met.

The funny thing will be looking back now in another 10 years and I wonder if I will feel as though I am on my third life, or will I have the mentality of the one life that has just been continuously evolving and growing through the years? I am uncertain now but will only just continue to keep striving to live my best life, until next time: YOLO…maybe 😊

Comfortably Uncomfortable

As you guys know I have been on this mission to push myself outside of my normal boundaries and force myself to do things that normally make me uncomfortable, and one of those things has been dating. Yikes, right!  Now a quick background on my dating life….or lack thereof! I have never really dated, I know, I’m a mid-thirties woman who is just entering the dating world and oh boy is it quite an interesting journey. I had always only dated people that I already knew, but now it’s time to expand, put myself out there and meet some new people. I had in the past tried to dabble in it, I’ve made quite a few online profiles and gone through the process of the chatting with people but nothing had ever really materialized or as I’m learning, I really didn’t put any effort into it.

Well that has changed in recent weeks and here is where the adventure begins. It was a really weird thing, I began chatting with someone from one of those online dating sites and he happened to be in my area, like literally IN.MY.TOWN, he was there visiting a family member and said, “Hey I’m here in your area, lets hang out.” I got super nervous, I had never just gone out with someone that I didn’t know and thankfully I had to work that night so, crises averted.  But he didn’t give up, he was still in the area a few days later and again said, “so what are your plans tonight, lets hang out”, shit, ok, I was still at work, and said, screw it, I’m going in, there was something about him and our conversation that made me feel ok about actually meeting. We made plans to meet at a local pub in my town and I started to feel really confident about it, I mean this was the farthest I had ever gotten to a real date and for a moment I felt great, I was doing this. Then I got nervous as the minutes ticked on and it was getting closer to the time for me to leave and go get ready, I began to have cold feet, should I just cancel, what the hell was I was getting myself in to!

I convinced myself on the ride home that I couldn’t do this and thought I was going to cancel again, then he texted saying he couldn’t wait to meet me, so I gave myself another pep talk and ran home to start getting ready as my heart raced and I realized I WAS doing this. I cleaned up quickly and changed, surprisingly I even came up with an outfit fast without changing my mind a few times and headed out. I got to the pub looked around and didn’t see him or anyone that looked at least similar to his pic in his profile, so I took a seat at the bar and texted him, he said he was on his way. I ordered a beer and waited, and waited, shit, so here I am finally putting myself out there and now I think I am getting stood up! I begin texting my best friend what I had done and giving her the low down about what I knew about him, then…..he walked in.

I stood up to say hello and stepped on his feet, (face palm) of course, my clumsy self would do that. We sat at the bar and talked, and talked and….talked. My fear of being awkward and not being able to hold a conversation was forgotten, I mean the beer helped to take the edge off too, but I’ll take most of the credit for not being as socially awkward as I had assessed myself to be. He was pretty interesting himself another traveler who had been to many of the same places I had been and we wound up having quite a few things in common.  We were talking so much that I didn’t realize that it was 1am and they were yelling for last call a few hours later.

Actually putting myself out there into that comfortably uncomfortable spot wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be, I mean I actually had a great time, I had met this really cool person whom I have since seen a few times since then. Is he the one, most likely not, but I am now more open for the next Bumbler that does seem intriguing enough to go out and actually meet in person and who knows what might come of it! :)